And yes, Eric knows about this

I think I'm going through the beginnings of what is often described as pre-wedding jitters. I don't want to say "cold feet" because it just sounds so... harsh. Like I would back out of the wedding any minute. I don't see that happening yet at all, so it's really the wrong term to use.

It's more of a foreboding feeling that in less than three months, my life will never be the same. "Duh," I know. I felt exactly the same thing three seconds after Eric proposed, but it's different this time. More real, I guess.

Contrary to what many may think, it's not the thought that I'll be tied down to one person for the rest of my life that scares me. That, I have no problem with. It's more of the thought that I cannot live my life the same way anymore.

The jitters started yesterday morning, when I was at Rainier's apartment and browsing through his copy of Best Beaches of the Philippines magazine. I was looking at all those gorgeous places and I realized that once I get married, the odds of me ever going to these places will be zilch severely lessened. Because I will have to take into consideration a husband who works 6 days a week and cannot possibly spare time to go on these excursions with me. And I will also have to deal with parents-in-law who think that every other province in the Philippines is home to members of the NPA or Abu Sayyaf (ergo, better to just stay at home). I can't very well go with my biological family, because you know how some parents-in-law can be. If you spend too much time with your biological parents after getting married, it's like implying you're not happy with your in-laws.

Right then and there, Best Beaches became a metaphor for all the other things I can no longer will have difficulty doing. From going out of town to interviewing recovering addicts to flying to Mindanao to saying whatever I want to wearing whatever I want.... you get the picture. Because there are whole new sets of rules to live by now. Rules quite different from the one I grew up with. And I don't know how I'm going to possibly make the adjustment without losing my identity. Haaaayyyy....

Maybe I'm just being very paranoid. Because isn't this what pre-wedding jitters are supposed to be? Getting all these crazy ideas into one's head and blowing them out of proportion? God, I could use a hug from Eric right about now....